What did I do...

OK...many of you will not understand this post but those out there that do please listen to the sincerity of my words. Also know that this has broken my almost 4 month writers block.

I confessed something to a friend of mine last night that hurt me almost as much as it hurt him. I am beside myself...

I am guilty over not saying something sooner, I am guilty about saying something at all, I am guilty that it happened at all, I am devestated over what it all means and what might happen as a result. I know that I am an aweful person regardless of the outcome. I am aweful because it happened, I am aweful because i did not say something, and I am aweful because i did say something.

If there is one thing in life that can make me feel like complete and total dirt not worthy of anything in life, it is hurting someone, like my friend, that I care so much for. I have had very few friends that are this close to me in life....and it always seems that I either screw it up or life has a way of dive bombing me and i still end up screwing it up.

If you have ever been in a situation where revealing an incident will harm someone as much as not revealing it to them does then you might have some insight into my mental and emotional state at this point.

The following is an appeal to the person directly:

I want you to understand that I have never knowingly hurt someone in the manner that I hurt you tonight. I could tell you were not sure who to be more upset with. I know that I have hurt you and for that I am deeply sorry. I would never inflict pain on you in any form purposely. You are one of my most trusted friends...In fact I consider you family. I thought I was doing the right thing by not saying something. I thought that it was a freak occurence and that maybe just a wrong place wrong time kind of incident. I thought that I would ruin something that was really good for you. I thought that for once in my pathetic life I should just keep my mouth shut and move on. It became the big white elephant in the room. I knew it was there but i refused to even aknowledge its existence.

The longer time went on the more I realized that maybe I was wrong for not saying something. That I had allowed the exact thing I was trying to prevent to happen, you were still being hurt in one manner or another. After seeing the progression and hearing the things you told me were happening recently I felt that I could no longer ride the fence on this...I had to give you the full story and proof of what was happening. I may have again made a bad decision. But I can't change what happened nor can I change my mind on the decisions. Life does not have a rewind button. God only knows if it did I would have handled this whole situation differently.

I am not trying to absolve myself of any wrong or claim that I am blameless in anything, I am only trying to explain myself to you and appeal to you.
I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me for all of my transgressions.