Tired...

*****WARNING*****

I have been extremely introspective lately. The following is a result of that journey inside myself, plus some really crappy things happening in my life. What you are about to read could be extremely depressing and maybe even a little melodramatic. But hey that's life.

*****WARNING*****

**Sigh**

There are some people in life that just are not meant to succeed. I used to think that everyone no matter what could be someone, and go somewhere. I think that finally I have realized that I was just being a naive little child.

Sometimes no matter how hard you try in life your current situation is as good as it gets. You may never get what you want. That person may never look your way. And yes you just may be stuck in that dead-end job for the rest or your life.

Let's face it, the odds are never in your favor. So what if you have a great personality (Your head is the size of a melon) So what if you have a ton of money (Nobody likes you so who will you spend it on) So what if You could be in an Calvin Klein underwear ad (You are socially retarded). Basically what I am saying is that....well....ummmm....I don't really know what I am saying. Maybe that Life has a way of balancing things out and giving everyone an equal pile of crap to deal with. But then again I feel sorry for everyone if they have the same size pile as I do lately.

Just when you think that you have made it up the staircase a few steps, someone flips the switch and you realize you are actually trying to go up a downwards moving escalator.

I am tired of running up those steps. Extremely tired. I am getting ready to just camp out at the bottom of the stairs and wait for someone to turn off the switch, lock-up and go home. Then maybe I can sneak up them before they catch me.

I used to think that all I needed were my friends...Wow was I naive again. I love my friends but there is only so much that they can do for you. I find myself seeking their comfort less and less. Almost as though maybe I am afraid that they will by association have things worse for them. I think that I came to this conclusion because some of my friends actually cause me more pain than they give me joy. Now don't get me wrong it is not intentional (Or at least in my naive little corner of reality I hope not). I won't go into all of the details because trust me this post is already depressing enough, but sometimes in life it hurts a lot more to be close to someone than to be alone.

I am tired of acting happy, putting on my fake smile, telling everyone I am doing great (when i am not), and just generally trying to hide the funk that has set in over me.

I am just tired. I am tired of being alone and I am tired of being around people. I am tired of smiling and I am tired of frowning. I am tired of sitting still and I am tired of running to catch up. Why can't I just be myself and why can't I just be someone else? I guess you could say that I am exhausted.

I have no one else to blame but myself. I would not dream of taking the easy way out (like so many do) and try to blame it on my parents or the way they raised me (I think they did a pretty good job given what they had to work with AKA me). I can't say that some big traumatic event scarred me for life. (I have had several big ones how could I chose which one gets the credit)

I am at the breaking point. I am swimming in the ocean and I do not know which way is up.